You ever have one of those Ah ha moments?  Either one you came to on your own volition, or after a conversation with someone else; that someone being a good friend, family member or a stranger.  I had one of those moments tonight.
We all date for different reasons.  Looking to find the love of our life, for companionship, boredom or because we can.  I have many single female friends and few married ones.  I’ve asked many of them why they date, and even continue dating after one disappointment after another.  These women range in age from mid thirties to late fifties.   I’ve been looking to them more and more lately, more so as a kid standing outside the store looking in at the toy they can’t have, rather than seeking out advice.

In my observations I see women, some who are strong and independent and others who are terrified of being alone.  I’ve always have put myself in the category of strong and independent, but of late, am wondering if I have been using this mask to cover up my own fears.  In less then seven months I will be turning 45.  45 and still single.  Is this a bad thing?  I guess that depends on whose opinion I am willing to listen to.

I’m not going to lie, I LOVE being single most days.  I can come and go as I please, have no one to answer to but the credit card company if I spend $200 on a pair of boots, and don’t have to worry about being looked at as a freak of nature when I walk around my apartment in my under garments, while I have dye in my hair.  Most days.  But I have a confession, I like waking up with a warm body next to me and it’s only really been lately, that I have started to feel the need to fill the other half of my bed.

I’ve been battling with the whys of all of this.  Am I lonely?  Is my libido doing that one final war cry before giving up the ghost?  Have I finally gotten to a place in my life that I am happy with who I am and now I can make room for a partner? Am I having a mid life crisis.  This is where the Ah ha moment comes in.  I think it might be all of the above.

It took standing in my kitchen with one of my dearest friends, listening to her lecture me,  telling me that I deserve to have love in my life.  That I deserve the world, deserve all the happiness and love that I dish out to others.  I dish out generously to the men and women who have come and gone and now it’s their turn to reciprocate.  Without soft coating it, she said I needed to stop making excuses and look for what is going to truly make me happy.  But what if I don’t know what that is and what if it is no more than a 45 year old woman panicking about being 45 and single?  (To be continued…)