Choose Me Before We

by Christine Arylo
If you’re like most people on this planet, whether you’re single, married, or partnered, there’s a good chance that there is something about your relationship that isn’t giving you what you want. There is something more that you think you should be getting from your guy or gal, but no matter how much you talk, fight, complain, cry, wish or bargain, nothing really ever changes.

Maybe it’s the lack of attention from your honey, or perhaps you’re the one accused of being “emotionally unavailable.” Maybe it’s the fighting or the feeling of loneliness that’s got you wondering if this is just how relationships are. Or if you’re single, maybe you keep finding yourself longing for that special person to show up and change your life, but you always seem to be “still waiting.”

Whatever the case may be, and there sure are many when it comes to relationships, here’s some good news that has the potential to change everything – and for the better.

Good news #1: You have the power to create the relationship you want, always, anytime, forever.
Good news #2: Your power comes by taking 100% responsibility for yourself and what you’ve created.

Okay, maybe the second part doesn’t seem like such great news, but it is. Most people go through their entire life focused on the wrong pronouns when it comes to their romantic relationships: “If HE would just…, SHE is always…, I wish that WE could be more….” How many times have these phrases uttered from your voicebox? So much attention, complaining, and obsessing over what you have no control over, and in turn, a lot of wasted energy directed at changing things that quite frankly you can’t.

Unless want to become a professional “Fixer of Others” or you’re into sacrificing your life’s dreams just to keep your lover around (which by the way is so not recommended,) then you’ve got to get your pronouns straightened out! When it comes to your relationship, the first and foremost pronoun on your mind should always be M-E, because that is where every relationship starts.

The best lives are lived and created from the inside out. If it’s a dynamic, fulfilling, intimate and authentic partnership you seek, you first must create that kind of relationship with yourself.

ME Before WE, What It Takes

While there are no cliff notes, pills or five easy steps, the following five must-have promises to yourself will give you the fortitude and commitment needed to choose ME before WE:

KNOW ME. Know who you are at your core. Know your dreams, values, gifts and more. Know the life you want to live, regardless of any relationship, societal pressures or family expectations. Know your own emotional holes and heal them. It’s called self-awareness. Build it.

TRUTHFULLY ME. Get downright real about how honest you are with yourself. Whether it’s avoidance, denial or just flat out delusion, both men and women lie to themselves all the time to keep away the truths that feel too scary. What lies have you told yourself about ME, HE or WE just to keep a relationship alive? Make a vow to always be honest with ME, to never hide from the truth, no matter what. Commit to unwavering, uncompromising truth with yourself.

LOVE ME. Love yourself first and make your happiness a priority. Contrary to popular belief, loving yourself is not selfish. The more you love ME the more you can and will love others. Ask yourself often, “Am I happy?” and give an honest reply. If the answer is no more often than not, take responsibility and change your situation. Take a vow to make your happiness a priority and to make decisions that reflect the love you have for you.

TRUST ME. When that inner voice of intuition talks to you, listen! Stop taking the advice of your voices of fear, the “shoulds,” and the over-rationalized “musts.” They never have your best interests at heart. Your intuition is always on your side. Make a promise to trust it and act on it.

HONOR ME. Make the choice to no longer settle for less than you truly want in your relationships. Choose to believe that what you want is possible, and do what it takes to create it.

The truth is, we all have the relationship that we choose. It may not be the one we want, but whether we like it or not, we’ve created it. If you want something different, the only place to start is with ME. It might not be the easiest path, but it will always be the most fulfilling.

Christine Arylo is an inspirational catalyst, author, coach, and speaker who challenges and guides people around the world to live and love their most real and wise selves. Based on the book Choosing ME Before WE: Every Woman’s Guide to Life and Love © 2009 Christine Arylo. Printed with permission of New World Library, Novato, CA. Find Christine online at

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